Day Starts with Cops at Front Door

For the record, we are a law-abiding family. In fact, the last household member to stand before a judge was my 83-year old mother-in-law. She got busted for speeding.

Here’s the story. A few weeks back Techno Spouse and I decided to invest a big chunk of our daughter’s college fund to spruce up the backyard. We had a concrete patio poured (a stamped concrete patio), and extensive flora and fauna strategically scattered about.

While all this beautification was certainly an event for us – we assumed it was a non-event for the neighbors, especially the neighbors-to-be. We were wrong.

About a week after the patio was poured a stranger knocked on our front door. Techno Spouse and I were at work and my mother-in-law was busy speeding about town. That left sleep-till-noon teenager to answer the door. When she did so, an agitated man mumbling something about concrete greeted her. She gave him her dad’s cell number and went back to bed.

Techno Spouse then got a voice mail accusing him of authorizing dumping on this guy’s lot. Huh?

Being an all round responsible citizen, Techno Spouse called the concrete contractor and relayed the offense. The concrete guy fessed up – he had dumped a wheelbarrow full of concrete in the empty lot. Concrete guy agreed to clean it up. Techno Spouse left irate neighbor-to-be a message and thought it was a mildly amusing, slightly annoying done deal.

That brings us to yesterday. Two squad cars arrived at our home bright and early to investigate a complaint. This time Grandma answered the door. She proceeded to charm the “young men” with her sweet little grandma routine and told them to call her son.

Techno Spouse got another call at work - this time from the police. Apparently, our neighbor-to-be had ACTUALLY CALLED THE POLICE to report a wheelbarrow full of concrete had been dumped on his empty lot. Are you kidding???

Rest assured – the case is solved. The offending concrete has been removed. What can I say -- we are left shaking our heads. Welcome to the neighborhood buddy.

For the record, if my Dad were alive and something this ridiculous happened – he’d be plotting his revenge. If my Mom were alive – her plan would’ve been – kill him with kindness. What do you think?

Poop Stinks - That Means ALL Poop

My daughter accused me of being keester-obsessed. She cited the numerous keester references in my previous posts. Okay, I concede. I seem to have a bit of a preoccupation with keesters. Therefore, I pinky swear not to mention keester once in the following post. Instead I will discuss poop.

I am an animal lover. As an animal lover, I am a dog owner. As a dog owner, I am a pooper-scooper. And as a pooper-scooper I have a question – Why is it that dog owners are expected to be pooper-scoopers, and cat owners are not?

I have nothing against cats, or cat owners, some of my best friends are feline fanatics. This is not about cats. This is about cat poop. The way I see it, poop is poop. And poop is not fun to encounter unexpectedly, whether it comes from a dog or a cat. Granted, cat poop is generally buried in the sandbox or flowerbed while dog poop is left unceremoniously in the middle of the front lawn. But, I say again, poop is poop.

Why is it okay for a cat to spray my bushes and bury surprises in my perennial bed, but, it’s not okay for my dog to leave a pile on an unsuspecting lawn? Dog owners can even be fined for allowing their mutt to crap on public property without cleaning it up pronto. And, there’s no getting out of it with a lame excuse like, “I was only trying to fertilize the grass.” No. Public officials and neighbors alike take dog poop very seriously. But not cat poop. Why is that?

I have a theory. Bodily functions in the four-legged world take on a whole different meaning than our two-legged interpretation. They mean things like, “This is my turf, bozo,” and “Hey sweetie, want to tango?” Cats, by virtue of their genetic link to the king of the jungle, the lion, are operating on the premise that they are somehow superior to other domestic four-leggers (and certainly to neighboring two-leggers) and therefore entitled to whatever turf they feel like marking. Kind of a feline version of “my poop doesn’t stink – but your does.” Dogs, by virtue of their genetic link to wolves, cower accordingly. I can understand where the cats are coming from; they do have an impressive pedigree. But, can it be that society is so intimidated by this jungle link that it can’t dare expect a feline to be poop patrolled?

That’s all I’m suggesting – that cat owners go on poop patrol and become pooper-scoopers just as dog owners are expected to do. I don’t mean to imply that all cat owners let their felines turn neighbor kid’s sand boxes into giant litter boxes, pee-to-death expensive shrubbery, or leave surprises in flowerbeds. And, in all fairness, not all dog owners are responsible pooper-scoopers either. The difference lies in the expectations of ownership. Dog owners are in deep doo-doo if they get caught slacking off on poop patrol, while cat owners can let kitty out without any concern for where kitty takes a crap.

In this age of political correctness it just seems politically correct to make all pet owners doo-doo responsible. And just how can society enforce doo-doo responsibility? I haven’t got a clue. It’s best we leave that up to our ever capable elected officials. Just think, instead of splitting along party lines, they’ll split along pet poop lines. That could lead to an interesting debate.

What do you think? Should all poop be treated equally?

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